Saturday, April 21, 2018

New Fatherhood - or how I learned to stop worrying and become completely dull and boring

If you’re like me, you have a beautiful, lucious, red playoff hockey beard and lots of questions about fatherhood. My baby’s a week old today and I find myself wondering all sorts of dumb things like “Is my new baby human? Will my new baby like Slayer? Will my new baby improve my credit score? Will talking incessantly about my new baby make me dull and boring? The answer to all these questions is yes. The good news is, that you won’t care if you’re dull and boring. That’s the genius of new parenthood, you become powerfully incapable of sensing whether normal people think you are tedious and that you only talk about what is going in and what is coming out of your new baby. What consistency exactly is your new baby’s poo? I actually said today at the doctor’s office that my baby’s poop looked like dijon deli mustard. How awesome is that? I’m a grown-ass man!  The other good news is that you won’t care because your will be seduced by the smell and general pleasantness of your new baby. You’ll stare at him or her and think, “Wow, I see what all those dumb fools were talking about!” Because while you were desperately bored by other people babies, you will be enthralled with yours. “Look at how cute she is!” you’ll say out loud to no one. And that’s okay. Because you are in charge of making sure nothing happens to this tiny baby for like 18 years, and probably longer, what with that extra year of college she’ll probably need to “find” herself, and you’ve got to make sure it doesn’t put dumb things in its mouth or get into sweet vans, or follow Ayn Rand, or huff glue. Other than those things, from what I can tell so far, parenthood is going to be hella easy. The not sleeping through the night is grueling thus far, but changing diapers is easy. Having my wife give it a boob, what could be easier than that? Rocking it gently to sleep in my arms hardly feels like work. What else is there? Start a tax-deferred saving account for college? DONE.

I’ll be chiming in here with lots of sweet parenting tips as I come up with them so please keep stopping by and sending this blog to all your friends. I’m tired of working for a living and I got this helpless little baby to stare at all day with wide-eyed wonder like its the Pope or Bono, enthralled with its every gesture.

Hey, you might not think its awesome, but I do.


Walter said...

The poop is the best part!!!

Rachel Brand said...

Wonderful words! I look forward to reading more of your future humorous observations.

Sagi said...

I love Ayn Rand

Russell Chaffin said...

What a great approach to FATHERHOOD 101. It’s all a learning experience from day one until, well, forever.
Read as much as you can, talk to as many people as you’re able to.
Reminds me of that old adage: “Learn from the mistakes of others; you won’t have time to make them all yourself.”